Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
