Plan B is the new Plan A
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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