i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
