My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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