my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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