Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
