I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
