That's when you crack a 10am beer
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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