I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
