chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
