where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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