I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
