Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
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I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
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Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.