First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
you had me at cake vodka
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
