come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
