everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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