I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
