I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
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