Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
