My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
babies were throwing up all over the place
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
