You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
