chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
