I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
