I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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