What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
