I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
