I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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