i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
