I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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