Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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