My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
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the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
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You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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