I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
