dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
