Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
