I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
