so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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