I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
