i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
