Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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