So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
i out mim tonsoeep
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