In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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