in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
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I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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