remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
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He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
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WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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