How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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