I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
