sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
