If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
