Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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