He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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