some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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