saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
