Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
