On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
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I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
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Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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