i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
