I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize