I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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