And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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